The war on choice

In the words of the late Bill Hicks; Isn't it time we had a positive drug story? 

A recent wave of new research is focussing on the potential benefits of certain psychoactive drugs for a selection of mental health issues ranging from PTSD to depression. 
Isn't it time we looked past the stigma and got to the heart of the matter? Man-kind has been using drugs in some form or another for tens of thousands of years, These substances have been used ritually, medically and spiritually since the dawn of time. 

Isn't it time finally for an honest look at hallucinogens once and for all?

This is your brain...This is your brain on drugs. Just say no. Drugs kill. So don't be a dope. no to drugs. Drugs are bad mmmkay. Did you hear the one about the young man on acid who jumped off a building because he thought he could fly? How about the one where the long-suffering PTSD sufferer finally got some sleep?

At the point of writing this, I am hovering on the edge of a magic mushroom trip, the first tendrils of glittering light snaking into the edges of my vision.

I would not encourage others to take drugs, any drugs. The use of any controlled drug can be dangerous, and in the wrong setting, some can be fatal. However, the same can be said for many legal substances and even some prescribed. It is my belief that drug use should be a carefully considered and researched choice, but that the choice ultimately should be your own. Consumption of any drug, pharmaceutical or otherwise, can have implications for your physical and mental health, and these can be immediate or far-reaching. Unfortunately, drug education in schools has long taken a "just say no" stance, which is comparative to teaching teenagers only abstinence when it comes to the question of sex education. 

Drug use in modern times has been a divisive issue; the legal situation surrounding most drugs makes open and honest discussion of drug experiences taboo and potentially risky. One of the main issues in discussing drug use is a prevailing opinion amongst certain mindsets that all banned substances are created equal, "drugs are drugs, drugs are bad". In this context, there is frequently an implied exception for alcohol which enjoys a degree of separation from the coverall term "drugs" due to its legal status and societal acceptance.

My mother spent many years married to an abusive, violent man. That man (my father) happened to become addicted to cocaine. He was already violent and abusive prior to his addiction; cocaine simply added one more ingredient to his already toxic mix. My mother now equates drug use of any type (not wine, of course…) with being a violent, criminal person. To her, smoking cannabis is of equal severity to cooking up a batch of "Krokodil". To her, the suggestion that one might safely and sociably enjoy a chemical like MDMA or LSD is ludicrous. It is illegal and dangerous, and only dangerous criminals would be interested in that kind of thing. 

Using drugs undeniably appeals to some criminals; of course it does; criminals are people, and altering our consciousness is an intrinsic part of being human, whether we do this with substances, media, sex, meditation or medication. Since the shadowy reaches of prehistory, humankind has been getting high. Drug use has formed part of human culture and history since we were clad in animal skins. Many of our earliest religious and cultural practices involved the ritualistic taking of hallucinogenic or otherwise psychoactive compounds. It has even been postulated in some quarters (see the "stoned ape" theory) that taking these entheogens has facilitated the acceleration of our own evolution. Intoxication has historically formed part of our ancient cultures' most sacred religious practises, from the ancient Vedic use of the mysterious soma, native American peyote, Ayahuasca in South America and all manner of fungi which have been ingested ritually in many parts of the world. Man has used these medicines to explore the more profound questions of consciousness and even to commune with God. 

In current times we are undergoing a shift of attitude towards some of these previously taboo substances. Cannabis is now being prescribed in many areas for an array of medical issues, including cancer, epilepsy and MS. A drug previously described as having no medical benefits is now changing so many lives for the better. This in itself is obviously a fantastic step in the right direction, but for me, the more significant victory is that these patients have been afforded the choice. Many people with conditions that can be treated or improved by using cannabis will opt not to use it and continue to use conventional medicines. That is their choice, and if that is the right thing for that individual, they should absolutely be at liberty to make that decision. Prior to this turning point, those who chose to seek the benefits of cannabis were criminalised by nothing other than choosing a treatment that was effective and acceptable to them as an individual. 

With the disclaimer out of the way, back to the mushrooms. This evening, about an hour ago, I ingested about 3 grams of dried liberty caps. Whilst this would not be considered an extreme dose, it is enough to have a profound mental and physical effect. When speaking to people who do not use drugs or even those who do but choose not to take hallucinogens, the initial reaction is usually shock. However, I am a woman in my 30s; I am educated and have always worked. In addition, I have beautiful children, well-loved pets. In short, I do not fall into the perceived image of how a drug user should look from first appearance. 

Second to this comes curiosity; what does it feel like? The same people who usually recoil in horror that I would not only take but admit to taking psychedelics are generally those who profess complete ignorance of what these substances actually do. 

For me, it usually begins with a slight churning warmth in my stomach; sometimes, I am even sick. Whilst this can be unpleasant briefly, when I used to drink alcohol in my teens, I was nearly always sick, so the usual slight nausea is just something I've grown to expect. Next, there comes a heightened awareness of sensation. Everyday objects become a playground of textural wonder. The smoothness of fabric, the softness of skin. These somewhat ordinary observations may seem mundane to the sober mind, but at the moment of discovery, they bring about a thrill of sensation of having noticed some minute and pleasing detail which you have previously overlooked. 

At some point in the evening, as I am admiring the complexity of my own fingerprints, I notice the creeping edge of the mushroom visuals. These can be widely varied, with some people experiencing fractal overlays; some find cartoonish reinventions of people or objects. My husband once saw the cat as a living watercolour; he was beautiful, apparently. Tonight I notice a sort of corona of rainbows, tracing the edge of any solid object that reflects the light. I am reminded by my husband to drink some water. As he crosses the room to hand me the rainbow shimmering glass, I am touched that he's remembered to check in on me in his equally intoxicated state. A small gesture and one which in the hubbub of a typical day might be unremarkable. 

Entheogens, a term often used to describe hallucinogenic compounds, may for this very reason be the more apt description. The underlying feeling, shared between the users of these substances, is that each trip, enjoyable or not, brings a deeper understanding of our profound connections to others. The empathy we feel for those around us is amplified under the lens of these substances. We feel at one with others and open to addressing those aspects of ourselves that are perhaps less desirable. Our insecurities are laid bare to us in the glimmering caresses of these magical substances. Highlighting to our subconscious the ways in which we are not living up to our potential, the times when we could have been kinder, more honest, more loving or more accepting. 

It has been around two hours since ingesting the mushrooms, and I am developing an aversion to looking at the screen. The visual presentation of mushrooms and LSD often is accompanied by a dislike of bright lights and an inability to focus on them. I have spent most of the evening discussing with my husband and a few close friends how strange it is that should we have chosen to go and get loudly drunk in a club, this would have been legal and more societally approved of. Instead, we hardened criminals spent the evening discussing politics, art, music and religion and telling each other we loved one another. A danger to society indeed. 

Tonight this was my choice, and I regret nothing.