Fuck Christmas and other carols

Fuck Christmas and other carols!

How to “woke” your way out of Christmas.

Are you tired of the rampant fucking commercialism? Does handing 2 consecutive wages to Bezos and his band of demons suck the Christmas spirit right out of you? Do you wait in abject horror at the prospect of 8 weeks of “All I want for Christmas is you” being played in an infinite brain crushing loop from the office speaker system?
Do you ever wonder what it's all about? What is it about this supposedly Christian Holiday that demands global adherence?
Do you ever wish you could opt out of all the compulsory merriment and mandatory mirth? Why not take a stand for Pagan rights now? Pagan lives matter. Let’s all join together and say “Fuck Christmas” today.

The virgin birth, the nativity, Christmas trees, turkey, stockings, mistletoe, crackers, Santa, reindeer and so on. For the most part, we are familiar with the story of Christmas, the trimmings and trappings of what we consider to be a traditional holiday of Christianity, a celebration of the birth of Christ. 

For the purposes of this discussion, let’s assume Jesus was, in fact, a flesh and blood man, born around the region where one would find modern-day Palestine a little over 2000 years ago. It is inconceivable that a man of such humble social standings would have had his birthday recorded. Birthdays were not celebrated in the time of Christ and not recorded outside of the very upper echelons of society. When early Christians first began to celebrate Christmas at the end of the 2nd century AD, the date was not yet homogenised, and therefore different groups celebrated Jesus’s birth on various dates. Looking at the Nativity story with unbiased eyes, the mentions of shepherds watching their flock by night should suggest a springtime birth rather than a mid-winter one. It was traditional to slaughter most of the flock at the end of Autumn, as food became scarce in winter months, and only a few animals would be retained for breeding the following year. 

So why the acceptance of this date? In ancient Rome, the period around the winter solstice was celebrated in dedication to the god Saturn. This celebration was known as Saturnalia and was marked originally by a month-long period of revelry. During Saturnalia, Roman law was suspended, effectively legalising crime for a few weeks of the year. Public sex was commonplace, and the consumption of alcohol was actually mandated. During this period, traditional social hierarchy was put aside, slaves would get to become masters for the day, and the wealthy would treat the poor to feasting and gifts. This wild revelry would culminate on the 25th of December in celebration of the birth of Mithras, a Persian god adopted by the Romans. Mithras was born amidst the flock, resurrected after death and shepherded sinners to be re-born…

By the 4th century, the early Christian church was gaining power in Rome. To minimise resistance to adopting the new faith, embracing Pagan traditions into the new Christian celebrations was common. Thus the date of Christmas was chosen and ultimately decreed as the 25th of December to suit this agenda. 

The same can be said for many of our current Christmas customs. Christmas trees also have origins long predating the tinsel laden cat magnets of today. During winter solstice celebrations, evergreen saplings would be brought indoors and decorated, symbolising the triumph of everlasting life over winter. In true Christian fashion, this custom was also commandeered as part of the invention of the new Christian holiday. Apples would later be used to decorate the evergreens as a nod to the biblical garden of Eden though admittedly, finding apples on a pine tree requires a somewhat rose-tinted view of basic biology. The apples would eventually be replaced by an assortment of baubles and even sometimes candles. The candles were promptly replaced by charred tree remains as a string of Victorian housefires inevitably led to the adoption of the much safer “fairy light”. 

The traditional gift-giving at Christmas may be a capitalist’s wet dream and, from a Christian perspective, harkens to the wise men or magi who brought gifts for the infant Christ. However, gift giving was part of the Winter solstice known as “Jol” or “Yule” of early Nordic and Germanic peoples. The practice also featured as part of the Roman Saturnalia celebrations.

Interestingly, in the Nordic cultures, the god Odin was sometimes referred to as the Jólfaðr or “Yulefather”. During the dark and terrifying midst of winter, many Nordic countries enter a long night where there is no sunlight at all for a period of up to 3 months. The Yule festival around the winter solstice focused mainly on light’s triumph over darkness and the promise that life would return in the spring. The holiday was celebrated with the ritual slaughter of animals, feasting, heavy drinking and the ceremonial burning of a massive tree bough or “Yule-log”. This log was sometimes even carved into the shape of a giant phallus. During this time, it was said that Odin’s “wild hunt” would hurtle through the darkness overhead. The wild hunt comprised a hunting party of airborne horsemen, hounds and birds. The myth tells of the hunt compelling people to stay indoors lest they be swept up by the hunt. It could be said that the story of Santa Clause hurtling through the night sky draws some inspiration from this terrifying nighttime spectral chase. 

Speaking of Santa Claus, it is true that, in essence, the inspiration for the jolly fat man is mainly to be found in the Christian Saint, Nicholas. Thought to have been born around 270 bc in the ancient Greek city of Myra. However, it can be said that this Orthodox Bishop of antiquities bears little resemblance to the scarlet-clad gift giver of today. 

There is a theory that the Legend of Santa Claus also has some slightly less Orthodox history. The Red and white traditional garb is often rumoured to have been somewhat cynically chosen by Coke as a marketing ploy. However, it is also said by some scholars that the red and white is actually symbolic of the sometimes sacred Amanita Muscaria mushroom. These hallucinogenic fungi can typically grow beneath those self-same evergreens decorated the world over at Christmas. The mushrooms also have a curious relationship with reindeer. Nordic tribes would drink the reindeer’s urine after the animals had consumed the mushrooms. The psychoactive compounds in the urine would remain active after passing through the animal’s system, filtering a lot of the toxins from the plant but allowing it to retain its hallucinogenic properties. The mushroom formed a significant part of shamanic rituals and worship of several early cultures. 

So, the next time you find yourself being strong-armed into a re-watch of the home alone movies over a platter of cold turkey sandwiches with the justification that “It’s Christmas”; remember that Christmas isn’t Christian at all. It is an amalgam of borrowed (read stolen) traditions, jumbled together and crowbarred into a festival that legitimises Christianity to the Pagan masses. Those Pagan masses would largely be incorporated into Christianity; those who refused were often persecuted or even killed. 

This Christmas, why not take a stand against Pagan cultural appropriation and instead of watching the endless Christmas specials, battling with sticky hyped with chocolate toddlers and listening to the Pogues until your ears bleed; why not burn a giant erection as a nod to those early Pagan revellers and say “fuck Christmas” today?